I’ve been reflecting on a lot in the last few weeks. I realised I’ve come a long, long way from my younger days. Confidence is hard to come by at times especially when you’ve received constant negative feed back from a young age. I have a lot of doubts in myself at times, but there are also many more times I can feel confident and assured of myself.
A few weeks ago, the slack crew established some new lines at a quiet spot in a forest next to a beautiful waterfall. I’m so happy I was able to be there with them, and celebrate that success. In that weekend, I was also able to achieve a lot outside of highlining and slacklining. I feel like I’ve become more confident with my body image, as well as trusting myself and my skills.
Looking back at some photos my friend Hayden took of me during the weekend, I realised I have come to be much more comfortable with my own body. It was pretty hot and humid day. After the hour long walk-in, my cotton top was drenched in sweat so I took it off. It was an eventful day- I won’t forget getting chased by an angry wombat anytime soon. At some point, I wandered down to the waterfall and ended up jumping onto a line right next to it. As usual I find the heights quite mentally challenging, but I took my time, got used to the falls, calmed my breathing and eventually I did manage to walk the line. It was incredible, fighting through the fear with each step, noticing how the line moves and trying to adjust my body accordingly. The last thing I was thinking about when Hayden took out his camera was whether or not I looked fat.
When I was younger, I would feel very self conscious about taking my top off. My stomach was not completely flat and I felt like I had to suck it in and pretend otherwise whenever I was wearing swimmers or had a tight top on. These days, I’m mainly self conscious if there’s a creepy guy checking me out when I’m walking around in my bikini. But that weekend I felt so comfortable with my body just the way it is. I felt like I was in a safe environment surrounded by the loving slack crew and I didn’t feel the need to cover up my body.
My stomach is still not completely flat, I have a small bulge and that is healthy. When I sit, when I lean forward, there are rolls and there is nothing wrong with that. There is nothing ugly about that. I struggle with my body image sometimes. By a majority of people’s standards, I would not be considered fat, and have never been my entire life. I was an extremely skinny kid. When I hit puberty, suddenly my butt got a lot bigger and I went up 3 pant sizes in a few months. I felt very self conscious. During this time, there was a day when we were going through a pile of clothes my mum had laid out. While age has faded my memory, I do remember when I wanted to try on a particular item, my mum took it from me, saying, “Your butt is too big for this, you’ll break it. Give it to your sister instead.” I doubt she meant anything by the comment, but it was hurtful and suddenly I felt very fat.
Those comments about my body kept coming throughout my teenage years, from my parents and other adults. And it wasn’t just about my size, it was also about the marks and imperfections on my face as I started getting huge red zits.
“Oh wow, you’ve gotten fatter!”
“Dear, why do you have so many pimples?”
“Stop eating so much sugar, you’re gonna get fat and it’ll make your pimples worse.”
To be honest, there is nothing wrong with being fat or having marks on your skin. It only feels like a bad thing because the media and the society continuously sells to young girls you need to be skinny and have flawless skin to be pretty. Because those are the girls that played the main character or love interest in movies. Those are the girls that appear on the cover of magazines at the supermarket. Those are the girls that are popular at school. Those are the girls that are seen and heard.
As a teenager, I had the notion in my head that I was fat and ugly. I didn’t have the self control to even try start a diet though. On top of the negative perception of my physical appearance, I also thought I was extremely stupid and lazy due to the pressure put on me to perform well in my studies. To cope with the stress, I’d binge on sugary snacks for a quick burst of dopamine before feeling very ashamed. And thus, I’d gorge on junk again to cope with that guilt and it was a vicious cycle that continued for many years. Looking back at my photos from my teenage years, I now realise having big red pimples is not the end of the world, and that I was never fat even if I was chubbier than I am now. Nonetheless, I had a terrible relationship with my body and was not eating enough nutritious foods.
As I’ve gotten older, rather than focusing on society’s ideal of beauty, I try to stay healthy. I exercise a lot more than I did in my younger years but I still struggle to eat healthily these days. Mainly because I forget to eat, am too lazy to eat or simply have no self control with sudden cravings and binge a bunch. Though I say having giant red zits is not the end of the world, I am thankful I don’t get as much of them on my face anymore. I’m glad they tend to pop up on my chest and back where I notice it less when I look at my reflection in the mirror. Pimples don’t make you less beautiful or worthy of love but it’s hard to ignore those beliefs the media and society has consistently enforced on me. And each time an angry red pimple swells up on my face, I feel a little insecure again.
As for my size, these days I’m often told I’m too skinny and I need to eat more. However some days, usually the bad days, I still think I would be prettier if I were just skinnier, if I didn’t have that tiny bit of fat in my tummy. Some days I feel like my thighs are too big when I can’t fit into a pair of skinny jeans, but then I remind myself it’s not a problem with my body- these pants were simply just not made for my figure. But most days I remember I’m beautiful just as I am. Even if I have a bigger build, or have more rolls in my mid section when I sat, I still would be pretty. There’s this idea someone made up that you need to be thin to be pretty. Fat is also beautiful. I am not fat, but if I were, I’d still be fucking gorgeous.
Confidence in the way you look, gives you the confidence to simply be yourself. That radiates into other areas of your life too- from the confidence in your abilities and skills, and your confidence interacting with others. When you look more confident in your own skin, for some reason, it draws people in. Confidence is attractive as someone said. When you speak with confidence, your decisions & opinions seem to hold more weight, you gain more trust and your voice is heard.
During that weekend highlining by the waterfall, it was also probably one of the more difficult places to reach on foot. There was a decent amount of walking to get to that spot. There was also some bush bashing needed to reach the waterfall. I had finished a 2 day course at the start of the year on reading maps and bush navigation as part of my outdoor leadership training. I had not needed to use my navigation skills in the wild since then. I realised the spot we were meeting at was at the bottom of a ridgeline. While I had forgotten the word for ridgeline, I remembered that the further apart contour lines are, the less steep it would be and hence easier to walk. I recalled that checking the trees left and right of me were slightly downhill from where I stood would help me figure out if I were still following the ridgeline.
However, as we walked in a small group of four down to the meeting point, though I was quite sure we were on the right track, I didn’t assert myself enough when the rest were convinced we were meant to follow markers someone else had left in the bush. We had no idea who tied the ribbons to the trees, but the other three presumed it must have been left by our friends who had gone ahead of us. I considered just going my own way, but decided it would be more fun bush bashing with friends. After awhile of chasing butterflies, it was clear the markers were leading us further and further away from where we needed to be. While I didn’t know where we wandered off to, and felt lost at times, I still had a sense of the rough direction as to where we were meant to head. We had wandered to the West of the ridge. When we reached the gully, I knew that going East and following along the cliff, we’d eventually make our way to the meeting point. But in a 3-1 group vote, the consensus was to head West as an orange tagline across the gap could be seen in that direction. We ended up tracing our steps backwards and headed East. That walk made me realise that I did in fact retain a lot of the navigation knowledge I had been taught in that 2-day course. I realised if I was more assertive, I would have led us straight to the meeting point. All I needed was confidence.
The next few times, I was able to confidently navigate back and forth the ridge, always taking a slightly different path but never lost. On a solo walk down to the lines, I felt like I cemented confidence in my navigation skills with nobody else’s opinion to distract me from where I thought I needed to go. While there were times when I couldn’t pin point exactly what the best path would be, I never felt lost, stopping and looking around me, I would always soon know which way to go. Navigating in the bush when there’s no track isn’t the easiest thing to do. All I’ve done is navigate down a simple ridgeline, and I will likely struggle on a longer hike going through mountain passes and what not. Nevertheless this experience has led me to feeling more confident in being on my own outdoors.
Confidence is hard to come by. Even when I’m certain of myself, I do have my doubts, because my skills and abilities have always been questioned, always been challenged. Perhaps it’s because I have grown up with so much negative feedback from adults around me. But even as I’ve become more confident with age, even as I’ve learnt to be more assertive, I still find it difficult a lot of the times. As a neurodivergent Asian female, I am part of a minority underrepresented in positions of power. I am often not taken seriously and constantly being underestimated- this is not necessarily coming from white people or men, this also comes from other Asians, other women and other neurodivergent people. It might not necessarily have to do with the colour of my skin. Perhaps it’s because I have a small build, look 5-10 years younger than I really am, have a soft and high voice, that make me seem like weak. Perhaps it is because of some of my neurodivergent characteristics- I am quite forgetful and miss things obvious to most, which may make me seem like I’m not trustworthy or reliable.
I certainly lacked confidence due to my low self esteem as an awkward teenager, but have since gained much more confidence in my adult years as I backpacked across Asia and Europe on my own. I’ve gotten into lots of sketchy situations and had to save my own ass many times. I’ve witnessed rich tourists bullying locals and have stepped in a few times. I’ve let myself get out of my comfort zone while setting boundaries when I’ve needed. Being assertive wasn’t something I knew how to do when I was younger, but it is something that comes more easily as you become more confident.
As I’ve become more assertive, I realise sometimes others find me “aggressive”. It’s easy to confuse assertiveness with aggressiveness. But there is a strong distinction between the two. Being assertive means you stand up for your interests and express your thoughts or feelings, and you do so without putting down someone else’s thoughts and feelings. Being aggressive is when you make someone uncomfortable and you disregard their body language or what is coming our of their mouth. I recognise there are times when I have been wrong and have been more aggressive than I intended, especially when I feel threatened. But many occasions when I am simply being assertive, setting boundaries on what I am comfortable with, saying “no”, these things make people unhappy because I’m not doing what they want. I know I can be a people pleaser and occasionally let that sway my boundaries, and sacrifice a little bit of me to keep the peace but I am getting better at staying true to myself- standing up for what I believe in, what I want, what I need.
When you are assertive and confident, others also become more confident in your decisions and trust your judgement more. I’m not always confident or assertive enough, but when I am, someone often challenges me. It seems like I need to prove my capability when I find there isn’t the same expectation for others around me- especially not if they are a white man. There is a different obstacle I have to overcome to gain somebody’s trust and respect, and it has nothing to do with how much confidence I exude, or how assertive I am. There seems to be this extra invisible test I have to pass because I am me, I am a petite, young-looking neurodivergent Asian woman who’s voice isn’t as loud or deep as the white guy next to me. I have come to realise, this often doesn’t come from sexist, racist, ableist garbage of a human. It comes from wonderful, loving, kind people who do it unconsciously. It comes from people I love, people I admire, people I would lay down my life for.
As we’ve gone through life from being an infant to an adult, we pick up on nuances of the world around us. We have a notion of what to expect from the world, expect from the other people around us. We have an implicit bias. I have an implicit bias. As long as you can see, I don’t think there exists a human who is free of making judgements based on appearances. We try not to judge a book by it’s cover, but to some degree, we all do.
First impressions are important because it forms a basis as to how someone views you. You are judged on your appearance, by the way you speak, what you say, your facial expressions, how you walk, how you move, how confident you are- the list goes on. We often don’t make these judgements consciously, it all happens quietly in the background of all the buzzing happening in your brain.
But before you even start to form that first impression of someone, sometimes you already have a vague idea of what they might be like simply from their appearance. Especially when you meet someone who looks physically a little different from what you’re used to, you might form a judgement on what to expect from them based of what you’ve seen on TV, on the internet, on people who look kinda like them that you’ve met.
For example, if you haven’t met much Asian women, if you saw someone like me walking down the street and were looking for directions, perhaps you’d wonder if I can speak English because the group of Asian tourists you came across once, you had a lot of difficulty communicating with. Perhaps if I were lost in a sketchy area of town after a night out, and as I come up to you to ask for directions, you think about the time you went to a brothel disguised as a massage parlour in this area and there were a lot of foreign girls who looked like me, so as I approach you, you might wonder if I’m a hooker. Perhaps we meet at a party, and I’m already engaged in a conversation speaking in English with someone else, and you don’t really know much Asian women, but one of your mates used to date some chick from some “rough country” overseas and you all reckon she was a gold digger and he did her a great service by helping her get a PR for Australia, and so you wonder if I’m another one of those girls.
Those are just examples of some experiences people might have had with Asian women. There are a lot of Asian women on this earth and you will definitely have never met them all. We, like everyone else are individuals that are unique in our own way. If you have not interacted with many Asian women, or just Asian women in a particular setting or group, or have just heard stories of a particular Asian woman from someone else, you might have some sort of expectation that I might be like whomever you’ve previously interacted with, when you first meet me.
Like everyone else you know, I am obviously an individual unique in my own way. But from the moment you meet me, you will have some sort of expectation of what I’m like simply based on my appearance before I even open my mouth to speak.
Above, I give examples of what you may think of me based on your interaction with other Asian women. Other things that would likely influence your perception is what your see in the media- what you see on TV, the news and so forth. Perhaps when you see me you might subconsciously think of Cio-cio san from Madama Butterfly. Or perhaps you might think of Pitch Perfect’s Hana Mae Lee. Asian representation in Hollywood and Western media entertainment in general has historically been quite limited. In recent years, movies like ‘Crazy Rich Asians’, ‘Shang Chi’ have popped up and have given East Asians a better representation, but for a very long time, we were only shown as side characters, only put in at attempts at showing “diversity”, usually there for the humour, be the butt of jokes. Of course Jackie Chan and Bruce Lee movies with a Chinese main character have portrayed us as skilled martial artists, but very often we’re also portrayed as the funny immigrant fresh off the boat who can’t speak English and does things backwards and uncivilised manner, or as that geeky, shy friend of the group.
One popular portrayal of Asian women in media is that they are weak, fragile and timid, often sexualised in the fantasy western minds have created that we need to be rescued by a big strong white man. As I am quite petite, especially if I’m not radiating confidence the moment I meet someone, I feel that is often the idea most people may have of me, before they can make a judgement based off other things I do or say during the time it takes for them to form their first impression.
This is because of the implicit bias that all human beings have. This implicit bias if formed by all the possible things you might have experienced or seen in your lifetime when it comes to Asian women who look like me.
As a result, I feel there are often times when I have to prove that I am in fact not weak and am quite capable & skilled. It’s exhausting because I feel like I’m constantly having to reach an invisible bar to be seen, heard and accepted. I do not need anybody’s approval but I feel like I do have to work for it if I don’t want to be seen as weak, fragile and incapable. I feel I also often fall short of the test needed to prove that I am capable because my neurodivergent characteristics mean I am quite forgetful, might miss details that are obvious to most, hence cementing the idea that I am not very capable or trustworthy to the people around me. This happens when I’m among friends, at work, in the outdoors space, in most areas of my life. I’m sure there a lots of other aspects to this that I do need to further discover and reflect on, but that is something I have experienced and will continue to experience.
I have been in spaces where there has been outright racism, sexism, ableism, and I have faced discrimination. But most of the time, I am in places with wonderful, lovely human beings who definitely aren’t racist, sexist or ableist. However there are small things here and there that they might do due to an implicit bias that make me feel like I am not being treated fairly. Not necessarily being discriminated against, but I don’t think it’s fair because I think the reaction would have been different if it were coming from someone else. But they’re often such small things, I let it slide. I don’t want to be “overly sensitive” and make a big deal out of “nothing”. Every time I stay silent, I feel a little bit of me dies. I feel I am worth a little less. These small little micro aggressions build up, and eventually they do feel like a big deal, it gets overwhelming. I feel unseen, I feel unheard, I feel disconnected and incredibly lonely.
Due to implicit bias, I find that at times if I’m being assertive, it differs from their idea or expectation of how Asian women who look like me would behave (timid, soft spoken, submissive etc), and as a result I am “aggressive” and not simply just being assertive. I might have lacked confidence during my younger years and can accidentally become more aggressive if I feel threatened, but there are many moments when I was simply being assertive. I try not to let that waver my confidence, but it’s difficult to be assertive at times, because of the negative reactions I receive. It gets exhausting standing up for myself. I need to mentally prepare myself if I am to be assertive, if I want to tell someone they’ve made me uncomfortable, if I want to communicate unfairness I feel I’m experiencing.
It’s easier to stay silent and just take it. When I raise an issue that someone might not have noticed because it’s something that they may have done subconsciously and not with bad intentions at heart, sometimes they get angry. Before they’re able to listen, understand and empathise with my experience, they automatically assume I’m calling them sexist, racist and a horrible person. When I bring up these issues, I always make sure I start with saying something along the lines of “I think you are a wonderful person, I don’t think badly of you, I don’t think you’re doing these on purpose, but XYZ you’ve been doing makes me feel….” Despite beginning with reassurances, I find that it hits people’s ego in a weak spot and they get offended before they can try and understand things from my perspective. Having to consider how not to rub someone’s ego the wrong way before I can start explaining why I might believe something is unfair is tiring. I know I have to prepare myself for backlash or I’ll never be able to get my point across, and that is exhausting. More often than not, I am unable to get somebody to understand things from my perspective when I bring it up, they take it as a personal insult and I instead have to keep telling them how wonderful I think they are to save the relationship. I bring up these issues because I want to maintain a relationship with somebody, because I think they are worth it, because despite the mental exhaustion and overwhelm it brings me, I really value this person. It makes me sad that I’m not able to successfully communicate how things they’re doing unconsciously affects me. It makes me feel so alone as I have to brush things under a rug to keep the peace between us. I don’t expect everyone to agree with what I have to say. But it would be nice if someone I cared enough about to start this conversation with could try and understand what I experience and try to work together on a solution that will help us both feel like our feelings are validated and respected.
As I mentioned, due to implicit bias, I often have to prove myself to be capable and worthy. I’m in the outdoors space a lot. This is a space that is traditionally dominated by men, especially white men. Women are underrepresented, and Asian women even more so. Working in outdoor education as a trainee, I felt like I had to prove that I am not weak and fragile from the very start whereas nobody else had to prove otherwise. I don’t feel I passed this unofficial, silent test for me, because physically I am smaller, don’t have much muscles and am weaker in terms of strength and ability to carry heavy things. Being physically weaker does not mean I am incapable, does not mean I don’t have the skills and ability. But constantly having to prove that and not being able to carry heavy loads like everyone else hence constantly reinforcing the idea that I’m not as capable in everyone else’s head was exhausting. It was incredibly demotivating. Of course I cannot read minds and say that is what others were thinking for sure, but it certainly felt that way through my experiences and interactions with others. As much as I love running around outside and being silly with kids, burnout was inevitable. There is a lot more to it, but constantly having to prove myself and the mental exhaustion that came with it was perhaps sometimes more overwhelming than the physical exhaustion. There were a few individuals who were quite sexist, but the majority of the people I worked with were all open-minded people. However like me, most people can’t escape the unconscious judgements we make, the implicit bias we have. And as a result, small comments, little jokes, certain decisions someone else made, all became little micro aggressions that made me feel like I wasn’t welcomed, that I had to bend over backwards to prove myself. I have fond memories of everyone I’ve come across in the industry, I think they’re truly wonderful people, I would love to chat, catch up and get to know so many of them. There were lots of small things that did build up and made me feel hurt, unseen, so tired and so lonely. But I would be lying if I said they were all horrible people. The truth is they were all beautiful people. It was all the small things from some of them here and there, that made me feel like I had to keep proving myself in a downhill battle. But I would have nothing bad to say about most of these lovely, inspirational people. I would very much enjoy their company if we were to cross paths again.
I suppose it’s for this reason, I feel so happy whenever there is an opportunity for a women-only outdoors gathering. And I feel so incredibly excited when I do meet another Asian woman in the outdoor space because I feel less alone. In the slacklining and highlining community, I feel there is much more support for women to achieve in than most other outdoors space. However, there are times when it does feel like there’s a boy’s club stirring and it feels more challenging to be in the same place. There are times when I feel like I do have to prove myself more than the white men around me. That is not to say I feel like I’m not welcomed. No, the community is so warm, loving, I feel accepted, I feel like I belong, I feel like we have indeed become a little family of misfits. But there are times when I do feel a little excluded. I sometimes wonder if it’s got anything to do with being an Asian woman, or if it’s just because of my neurodivergent tendencies making me seem like an unreliable member to be included in the crew, or if it’s simply because my mental health struggles means I’m giving off a bad vibe that makes people shy away. It doesn’t really matter at the end of the day, because I still feel so much love and acceptance from the community. But it is really nice when there are events or activities where it’s women only. As much as I love chilling with all the boys, I feel like I’m in an extra nurturing space when there’s only women. I feel like that bit of pressure I experience with the guys melts away.
That weekend in the forest, as I was leading our little group down towards the waterfall, I wonder if they trusted my navigation less because I am a woman, or if it’s because I am so clumsy and disorganised at times I don’t seem that reliable. It doesn’t matter. I don’t mind. I’m happy some members acknowledged that they should have trusted me a bit more. I felt heard, I felt seen when they acknowledged that they made a mistake. But more importantly, I felt more confident in myself.
Confidence is not always easy to come by. I still struggle with being confident at times. But I am working on it. I sometimes don’t feel confident in my own skin, I forget I’m beautiful but eventually I remember again. I know it’s ok for me to be assertive even though it feels a little difficult and scary at times. I know it’s ok for me to trust that I am right, trust that I am capable even if I can be disorganised, forgetful, physically weaker. It doesn’t matter what others think, I don’t need to prove to anyone anything. Nevertheless, I will still do it because I need to in order to achieve certain goals- like get a job, or be included in certain projects. I know that I might be presented more challenges than other people are when I need to prove myself. I will get tired and overwhelmed, but I won’t let it shake my confidence, I won’t let it affect how much I trust myself, how I view myself. I hate it when people call me resilient or call me a fighter, because I’d much rather not having to need to fight through things. But I will continuously fight through silly invisible battles I have with myself and those others put up. However I will always give myself as much rest as I need. Confidence is not always easy to come by, but it’s in me somewhere and you can’t take it away from me.